Featured word: Transformation

"For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone.  The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes.  To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction."

You all have seen my transformation, my physical transformation and watched me live it for quite awhile now.  If you've ever been in that position you know how mentally draining it can be to be patient enough to achieve your goal and I'm still not where I want to be.  I'm content with myself in my physical journey. 

Yet there are other transformations.

As I sat on top of this mountain I was reminded how small I am in this large thing we call life.  I watched hawks soar, planes leave tracks in the air and people coming and going hoping I would leave my perfectly placed spot.  I like the Pinnacle at Crowders Mountain because on one side I can sit and see the big bad towns of what I can only guess are Kings Mountain and part of Gastonia.  On the other side there are scattered houses that look like they are placed in the middle of no where and I LOVE that.  I started a new journey a new transformation this week and one I am quickly finding is going to be harder than any physical transformation I went through.  I'm working on a mental transformation.  See I've been through a whole hell of a lot in the last 30 years.  A lot of trauma that has left me with demons that I've let build up and build up all the while I was pushing them down.

I recently let my demons that I haven't dealt with nor did I even truly acknowledge take over and possibly cause me to ruin a friendship/relationship that I cherish and have missed.  This is a person who was there for me when I was going through some of my darkest times these last 5 years.  We lost touch for over a year because of some things I said to him.  He was courageous enough to reach back out to me after some time not knowing how I was going to react because that's just how strong of a connection we have.  He doesn't know this now but he is once again a driving force in me taking a big step in my life again.  I have always just put these things in a jar and buried it deep down and there are times when these demons make their way out of that jar and cause things like this. 

NOT ANYMORE, let me repeat, NOT ANYMORE.

Instead of letting them sit there running in the back ground like some virus waiting to attack, I'm going to attack first.  

So here's to my first week of mental transformation, my first week of therapy. 

Here's to releasing some of those demons out of that jar and hope like HELL I didn't do something that makes that relationship irreparable.

Acknowledgement is the first step.  I'm taking that first step to the second half of my life being all that it can be. 

Peace and love, dawn