Featured: My Reality
As I get ready for my next appointment today at Levine Cancer Institute I keep thinking about all the thoughts I had on my bike ride yesterday. I started training for the 24 hours of booty at the end of July and the ride brought up things I thought should be shared to give people an insight into what it's like to be a cancer survivor and also someone like me (Cowden Syndrome). Just because I've had the surgery and don't have to have treatment this time doesn't mean it just goes away.
1. Doctor's appointments. Just in June alone I've had 5 and have two more that I know of in July, this could change. But every time I know one is coming up or I have one there is always the thought of what are they going to find now, a kind of holding my breath. Now please understand this does not mean I live in constant fear but imagine having to go to the cancer center that many times in one month, it will mess with your mind a little. And maybe, just maybe these things are what makes me stop to smell the roses and take in all that life is offering but for me
DR. APPOINTMENTS=ANXIETY
(at least for a bit)
2. Money. Even with insurance it doesn't cover all of the costs and some thing's aren't covered. Not to mention I just told you I have had 5 dr appointments in one month which means I'm missing work which means if I'm not there I'm not getting paid. Luckily I am in a position to make the time up and I haven't had a paycheck that wasn't a full paycheck because of it but bonuses are paid off of productivity and when you aren't here for that many days, productivity isn't as good. Disclaimer: I'm not in a bad place financially but I'm also not where I was either. I just started thinking about the people who can't afford to loose anytime from work in my position. I don't know how they do it. I work two jobs. *sad face*
3. Family. This one is just because it is. I've been a care taker and know what that's like waiting to hear the final words or what's going on, it's just as stressful. Let me set the stage for you. This go around with cancer I say to Trey, "Hey bud, mom needs to talk to you about something" and he immediately looks at me with wide eyes and says ok say it now. I looked at him and said it's ok honey, what's wrong because he gave me this scared look and all he said back was say it. So I told him about my latest diagnosis and he immediately responded withSo imagine what it's like to not be able to say to your family, hey I need to talk to you without the first thing going through their head, she has cancer again.
4. Body changes. This one is something I am trying to combat and as well as come to terms with things may change. This isn't just physical body changes, it's also mental as well. There are days I feel like I am in a fog and can't remember a lot unless it's written down (which is why there are so many post it notes on my computer screen at work). And if you have been around me at all you know I have talked about the menopausal symptoms I'm navigating around. I found out this weekend, alcohol is a trigger for hot flashes for me which sucks because I do enjoy a really cold beer on a hot summer day (I'm sure there will be times I will just do it and deal with it). The biggest one I worry about is the physical changes because I have worked my ass off, literally, to get where I am from where I was. Since I've been able to resume some form of working out I am feeling better in a lot of areas. The days I work out the fog isn't there, the hot flashes are at a minimum and I just feel better about myself.
5. The last thing is how people view you. I don't mean what they think of me, if they like me, I'm talking about looking at me like I'm the one who keeps getting those cancers, poor thing. Or my favorite is how some people don't even know what to say or how to react to me. I'm still me. I'm still cutting up, laughing, being a goof ball, working out to my ability right now (give me time because we are gonna call it a comeback), spending time with people that make me laugh and cry. I remember when I had breast cancer the thing I said to everyone was
PLEASE DO NOT TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENT
So please do not treat me any different.
All of this is real and I know there are lots of cancer patients/survivors who go through the same things. My bike ride is what really brought these things to the front of my brain because the 24 Foundation, who I am doing the ride for, helps to make resources available for all of the above. From being able to provide a ride to a dr appt., to helping people pay bills and feed them, classes for family to deal with their feelings, yoga classes and then of course people that I could talk to if I needed. Even if I don't use these resources available to me, I'm thankful they exist.
peace, love & joy
dawn
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