Fear of abandonment, Take 1



"SHE MADE BROKEN LOOK BEAUTIFUL AND STRONG LOOK INVINCIBLE.  SHE WALKED WITH THE UNIVERSE ON HER SHOULDERS AND MADE IT LOOK LIKE A PAIR OF WINGS"


Worked that row machine.

After a few therapy sessions I have a word to work through, abandonment.

Abandonment, little did I know this word would be the source of all of my issues, my demons, my darkest concerns that spawned bi-products.  What I have learned so far is this has only affected my intimate relationships not my relationships with friends.  I have also learned the beginning of my abandonment issues started when I was 12 when my Dad died unexpectedly.  So this is what they refer to as unintentional abandonment because he didn't leave on his own, he didn't leave me because he wanted to, he didn't have a choice.  He wasn't sick so it wasn't something we were planning on happening either.  He was however in NY taking care of his mother who had cancer and was dying, he had been gone for about a week the best I could remember when my mother received the call that he had died in his sleep.  I was 12 and my Aunt came to get me from school and of course knowing my grandmother was sick my immediately thoughts went to she passed away.  My Aunt wouldn't tell me anything on the drive home from middle school and all I kept thinking was just tell me, I already know.  However, what I didn't know was as soon as I got home I saw my Mom try her hardest to keep it together to tell me my Dad was gone.  Let me say that again, my Dad had died not my grandmother and we didn't get a chance to say goodbye, I love you, nothing, just gone with no closure.  This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to swallow because I was Daddy's girl.  
Fast forward 30 years and the beginning of that fear of abandonment when I was 12 has started to take it's toll on my personal life, no correction, it has been taking its toll on my personal life but I had no idea what it was and why it was happening.  Thank goodness I have found a therapist who tells me  I'm going to get through this just like I've gotten through so many other things in my life but it's hard.  It's emotionally draining having to relive these things that I've buried so nicely away and it's hard because I can't seem to get out of my head how when I start to feel fear in an intimate relationship the first thing I think is flight and push away as hard and as nasty as I can to protect myself.  
See this fear of abandonment pertaining to my intimate relationships has caused insecurity, feelings of not worthy of love, jealousy, all things that are harsh on relationships and I've been like a ticking time bomb always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  The hardest part of all this right now is dealing with the feeling of a 30 year old bandaid being ripped off and 30 years of abandonment that has happened being shoved in my face but I am going to work on it.  
The last week I have tried everything I know that I love to try to get my head on straight, from crossfit, running, climbing crowders mountain, having coffee with two very good friends, crashing another friend's evening, taking photos, taking long drives and sadly right now not much is helping BUT I will continue to push and go see my therapist to work through this.  I know I will come out on the other side because that's just what I do but in the mean time if you don't hear from me or I seem not like myself don't fret, I'm working through it and I'll be back to myself in no time.

Seen on my run on the greenway. 






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