February

"let your FAITH be BIGGER than your fear"

That quote is one that rings true in my heart on a daily basis.  February has come and gone and is a month that is filled with (or supposed to be filled with) lots of love.  And this wasn't any different in my house but it was one that I had to force myself to show and make happen.  Now I know some of you may be like ohhhhh, "she's single and hates Valentine's day".  No, I think with Valentine's day there are people in relationships who only get showed the kind of love they deserve on Valentine's day.  For me the whole month of February has nothing to do with Valentine's day.

I'm pretty sure the year Cameron was in kindergarten started my dislike for the month of February.  She had been really sick and she was also a very petite child.  We are talking vomiting and not being able to stay out of the bathroom.  For a 5 year olds body is no walk in the park.  Her virus, rodo virus is what they called it, took a toll on her little body so badly that she had to be hospitalized.  Her kidneys were shutting down and she was going into kidney failure.  Talk about complete stress!  Trey was still very young, her dad was working all the time and did I mention I was pregnant?  Of course I called my mom and she came to Charlotte to stay with us and help with everything that wasn't getting done.  Thank God for her!  Cam was where she needed to be, in the hospital getting lots of fluids pumped in her body and monitored to make sure things weren't progressing.  I'll never forget her teacher, Mrs. Weigel, who came and brought her the Valentine's her classmates gave her.  It was very sweet.  Luckily for us, we got her to the hospital in time and no permanent damage was done.  She had to stay for a week for observations.  And as you can see from today, healthy and beautiful as ever!

of course ALL things can NOT go as planned or easy.  As my 5 year old daughter was in the hospital and her dad was there staying with her for the night, I was home with my mom and Trey getting ready to go through the unthinkable at the time.  I woke and was feeling sick to my stomach and just hurting.  I thought maybe I was getting sick, maybe I ate something bad.  Who knew.  I just knew I was almost 5 months pregnant and not feeling well and needed to get to the hospital to see Cam.  The pain was getting worse to the point I was doubling over.  I went to the bathroom and just remember thinking this can not be happening.  I was having a miscarriage, in my house.  I'm not even going to attempt to describe the scene as I'm sure you all have enough of an imagination to figure that one out.  My mom was sleeping upstairs and she couldn't hear me yelling for her.  So I had to tend to myself for the moment and be able to get her attention.  By the time I could get to her it was done and all I knew is I needed to get to the doctor or hospital soon.  My daughter was in the hospital where i needed to be with her and i was headed in that direction myself if i wasn't careful.  my mom woke, we got as dressed as we should have and could have and went to the doctor.  by the time i had gotten there and they did the ultrasound everything was gone, which i had already known.  i think i went numb to all the feelings that were going on because my daughter was in the hospital, i was having a miscarriage, what was i supposed to do?  breakdown?  no, i couldn't.  i have a daughter who needs me and a son who needs me.  there was zero time for that.  so i did what i'm known to do........just keep swimming.  

now, i don't know how other people deal with things but i have a tendency to push my feelings down and deal with them when i can and obviously at this point my attention was put towards Cam and making sure she was going to be ok.  i needed to be a mom at that time.  God ALWAYS has a plan for us.  i don't think i thought of it like that then.  i'm sure over the course of years i've developed that theory.  it's what helps me get through.  but looking today and where i am, he knew what he was doing.

and As i sit writing these words down, i realize i really never dealt with the emotions of it all.  these tears that flow are tears of healing, one story at a time.  

For me February still holds more stories of heartache and joy but for today this is all I have in me to let through.  It's going to be a process and one I am hoping to evolve more and more from.